My Ah Gong

I was shaken when i received the news from my church teacher that my ah gong just passed away, while i was still at austin hill resort with the rest of my fellow church mates, enjoying the breakfast...

I just broke down into tears, wondering, in the end what decision did he make before he leave...

We had 5 days of ritual before the funeral came to a closing..throughout it was endless chanting, citing, quarrels and kids' noise. ashes piling up n smoke that irritates my eyes and nose...it was definitely gg to be a memory for me.Watching ah gong lying in the coffin, it was so unreal. looked like it was somebody else in there. i can't even recgonise him..sunken face, dressed in those traditional chinese costume. i rather my original ah gong, with his fav collar shirt and pants. i can't even touch his body for the last time, cuz only daughters n sons allowed to touch him with a cloth while the 'sai gong' (the guy who carriesout ritual for funeral) chants... i was kinda, pissed off.

All i can do is to make myself useful during this 4 days. taking care of my relatives' belongings and collect money(treasurer). And i learnt one thing, it is more realistic that u are filial to your parents/grandparents when they are alive than chant for them when they are already dead. no point, because i believe that they can't receive at all. if chanting helps, then those without ppl to chant for them, then they go straight to hell is it? I don't think the real God will allow this to happen.

so many procedures to follow, all, one comment: human's doing.
the more u do, the more money u spend, that's what the funeral service ppl wants u to do.

have been reflecting quite alot these few days...like the last time i saw my ah gong before he died. i still holding the slightest hope that he will make it for my wedding.Bt, i am also the one to give up my hope on him when i saw him so frail n weak. i did not want him to suffer any longer too. my aunt posted a qns to me when he was still alive 1 week ago...should they send him to hospital? to me it was a heavy responsibility when u ans this qns. either or, ppl can blame u if things go wrong. human's fav action. pushing the blame. like they are so holy n faultless. so i told my aunt, ah gong is so weak n thin, i couldn't imagine how he can survive the needle and 'torture' in hospital..so ended up they also made the decision not to bring him to hospital..

now i realise, when we love a person's soul that much, we reali hope it will go somewhere(heaven) cuz it will be for eternity.

Praying that my ah ma will be strong emotionally and physically. Lord pls watch over her.